Truth about anxiety and how I’m coping now:

I do NOT like surprises. I don’t know how young I was when I resolved this to be true for me, but I do remember knowing this from a very young age. You can see this is true when for example, I run into you at the grocery store unexpectedly…I am awkward, I am shy and I am not prepared to see you at that moment. It’s weird, I know. I don’t like that aspect of myself, but it’s me.  My family can also attest to the fact that I would unwrap gifts before Christmas to see what I was getting before the big day…I may even have switched some of my sisters’ gifts with mine (insert evil laugh!) My mom can vouch for this and her frustration at me!

So, now I’m an adult and I still don’t like surprises. I also don’t like not knowing things. This makes me a great student…I LOVE learning new things. Even chemistry 1 & 2, and biochem. Seriously.  I am also determined and willful. Ask my dad. I am so willful; he says I willed our dog to have 7 puppies even after she was “fixed” at the Humane Society! And I am so determined, that if you tell me I can’t or I won’t…I will and I will ROCK it.

So when Josslyn befuddled all of the specialists…I was even more determined to find an answer. However, in the process, I felt befuddled too and totally out of control of the situation. Another aspect of being willful, determined and not liking surprises is that I do not like to be out of control. And when I’m out of control: Cue anxiety.

Some people eat a lot when anxious. Some people don’t eat when anxious. Some people, like me, have bodies that go into such an extreme level of stress that I lose weight no matter what I eat. And I was body shamed by my family and friends. It was hard. I was eating. I was exercising. And I was super skinny. I didn’t like looking in the mirror, or trying to shop for clothes. The smallest sizes were still too big. It was not fun.

My whole body was also inflamed. My hair started to thin because my scalp was inflamed. My annual tests came back out of whack because of the inflammation inside my body. I went to the ER due to painful stomach issues and viral illnesses that never seemed to go away. My body was inflamed, stressed and I was anxious.

Anxious for an answer for Josslyn.

I struggled with this anxiety and depression like a never-ending roller coaster for 3 years. Maybe more if you include post-partum depression which loves to find me after each delivery like a neat little package all tied up in a pretty bow delivered to my doorstep 2 weeks after delivery.

I would have insomnia for a week before any new appointments and then not want to get out of bed after each appointment because there was still no answer. I hope my kids were young enough not to notice these things, but I’m sure they did. I would have fits of crying, hopelessness, rage, and then back to “normal.” I put on a happy face in front of friends and family. I didn’t feel authentic, and I also felt ashamed. Here I am a Christian, and I am not relying on God. Here I am a strong mother, and I am collapsing under this enormous weight I can’t stop thinking about.

Sometimes I was fine. Sometimes I found joy. Sometimes I found laughter. Sometimes I felt peace. Those times were what gave me strength and the ability to keep going. Joel, friends and family helped me immensely. I cannot forget the help of friends when I needed them. (Another blog post coming up on support).

I went to my primary care doctor a few weeks after Josslyn’s appointment with Dr. Finkel and I broke down. I told her what I had been going through and that I needed SOMETHING to help me. I love my PCP. She gave me a huge hug and spoke kindly to me and then gave me a prescription for Zoloft. She referred me to counseling services and told me to come back in a month. (I haven’t found a counselor I can consistently see, so if you have any recommendations, I’d be happy to hear them).

I immediately filled the prescriptions and started to take it. I got a really bad virus and stopped the medication for 2 weeks to recover. I started it again and I haven’t stopped.

I am a new person. I am calmer, better able to see the silver lining and not get bogged down in this mess called life. I still have anxiety attacks, for instance before seeing a new specialist or when I think about the questions for the future, but they are fleeting and manageable. I can enjoy life again. I am not pretending. I am not crushed under the weight of what this world has given me. I am a better believer. Crazy to think, but I am. Having self-control and clarity of mind has helped me to be the person I am supposed to be and God designed me to be. I can be a homeschooling mom, Guardian ad Litem, and start my own organization business. (You can contact me if you need any organizational services).

I still don’t like surprises and I’m still pretty willful, that will always be me, but the anxiety is not what I want to be. I am so happy I said yes to Zoloft.

Will I always be on Zoloft? Maybe. And if I am, does that make me a bad person? Does that make me weak? Would I/Do I feel ashamed?

To all of those questions: No.

Don’t think you are ok when you are not. Don’t assume you can get through this yourself. You are not weak when you say yes to Zoloft or any other medication for anxiety, depression or other mental illness. Hopefully you won’t feel ashamed, and you’ll try what your primary care provider suggests after you tell her or him the whole story. Don’t just walk in and say you are fine and nothing is new…walk in there with your head help high and plenty of tissues or even with a letter to them if you don’t want to rehash everything outloud. Somehow you need to get the help you need and deserve. Life is messy. And you may need some help in this mess. Don’t deny yourself joy and hope because you are proud or feel ashamed.

Best of all: my inflammation is gone, my hair has never looked better, I’ve gained weight, I can shop for clothes that fit, I can run like I’ve never ran before, I’m a better wife, mom, sister, daughter, niece, granddaughter, friend…and oh yeah, I don’t have debilitating anxiety attacks anymore!

I still don’t have all the answers to what the future will be for Josslyn and us, but I have hope. And no, that doesn’t come in a bottle; it comes with believing in my Creator and having trust in His path for Josslyn’s life and mine too. I have also learned that I will not know what the future holds and I’ve had to let the control go. I have to let it go every day. It’s hard, but worth it.